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[Nov. 19th, 2011|01:41 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Adele - Set fire to the rain | ] |
I dont care about your cars, credit cards and hard cold cash, your huge beautiful 'empty' house, your position as the CEO/ the owner of many fricking restaurants, your hot fit muscular body or your good looks. As long as you're arrogant and think you're such a superior, you're as good as trash to me. Wait, im wrong. You're lower than trash to me so you can continue enjoying what you think life is about because when you die, you will not be able to bring your wealth and power along. What an idiot! |
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| Eternal Happiness |
[Oct. 5th, 2011|10:58 pm] |
What if Life and Nature both at the same time points you to a completely unexpected and different direction? Things and people that mattered to you dont matter anymore. Your brain generate ideas, perceptions, visual images, opinions and other form of thoughts differently to a whole another level. Even your interest or should i say especially your interest change. I think im facing this now. I may be giving the word 'unpredictable' an understatement of a possible upcoming event. For now, i only have one thing in mind and that is eternal happiness. I really mean it and im willing to sacrifice ALOT for this. |
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| MIND-ERCISING! |
[Jun. 26th, 2011|01:26 am] |
Almost 2 months have already passed since i quit my job. It was a job with a really good income but it was unstable in so many ways. Only God knows how unstable it made my mind just want to collapse! 2 months flew by just like that and where, how and what am I now? Basically Im in the midst of searching for a right direction. I don't know what's in store for me. Im just following my instincts for now.
All i have to do is have gratitude and i can see a bigger picture with so much positivity in it instead of the total opposite. Everything is always for the best. I cannot forget that. Nobody should. God will never harm you. Only we harm ourselves.
I am not exactly happy with myself for thinking so many irrelevant and unnecessary thoughts these couple of days especially with how much free time i have. My mind's pretty cloudy and this is clearly NOT good. I wish guys wouldnt have anything to do with this but sadly it does. Just partially though. Damn i hate this. It's been awhile i have problem sleeping. Now i do! And its so bad. On the bright side, everything is still Alhamdulillah good. It's just the mind giving problems. It's always the mind. I need mind-ercising. Till then hopefully a happier entry next time. Goodnight! |
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| Thank you. |
[May. 16th, 2011|04:08 am] |
Dear YouKnowWhoYouAre,
Wherever you are in life, which ever country you're in, I just want you to know i can only pray the best for you and wish you well but I dont miss you anymore. The door of my heart has been shut for you and there is no turning back. My senses are clear before my heart makes a choice. It wasnt an impromptu decision. It took me awhile to get everything all so clear but i eventually did. Im not going to apologize for anything for i have not done anything wrong. I was sincere from the start, we all have been. I still do want to thank you for all the good memories, care & concern and kindness you have expressed. No good deeds of yours go unforgotten but this is where we part and i bid you goodbye sincerely wishing you nothing but true happiness in however way you interpret it.
P.S: You are entitled to your own opinion, thoughts and decisions. We all have our reasons for doing something we do. So i have mine for doing what im doing now. You have taught me a couple of things in life essential to apply like not giving regrets a chance to form and reproduce. I will always be grateful to God for sending you in my life as a huge example to learn from. I will not regret writting this because my conscience is clear. Thank you once again for everything I.O. God bless you.
Yours Sincerely,
Zahidah
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2011|04:33 am] |
I know this might sound cliche but i can literally feel my heart aching now. I shivered in anger to control myself from exploding in rage at an outsider for the first time in my life today. (More like two miserable creatures whose name should not even be mentioned. I feel diseased just thinking about them right now) This clearly shows how much i hate to be angry. Anger will deplete your soul layer by layer if you make it a part of your life. Anger has a high possibility of causing a deeply regrettable and irreversible outcome which will bring heavy consequences you need to face. Basically simply said, anger kills you/me.
I imagined myself pulling her tongue 17cm out and sawing them off with a rusty blunt penknife to make it painfully slow. Rude nasty mouthed people don't need their tongues to breathe useless talks. Anyway their silence would do a favour to mankind. I had more than just 1 sadistic imagination of torturing her and then i realise what Iblis has done. They were turning me into a monster in such a short period of time. I couldnt believe i would even imagine such a thing. I felt just the same as her at the end of it. I refuse to be her. Anger is like her favourite habit. 90 percent of the words always coming out of her disgusting mouth are just diseased with so much curses.
After having that unnecessary talk with the two "lovebirds" at the carpark, i took big steps trying to get to the toilet as fast as possible. I needed to freshen up but ended up feeling so weak and drained out to the point i couldnt even take a step back there anymore. It was my choice to try being reasonable by explaining and asking at the same time but it was all just a waste of breath and energy. Nothing i say or already said will make any sense to people who think they're always right 99.9999 percent of the time even though its so clear what they did was terribly wrong. It was my mistake to let them disappoint me and trigger my patience for anger to set in. With so much energy squeezed out today, it makes me wonder how can anyone possibly be angry ALL the time?! After all the commotion, all I wanted to do was to go home and pray. I just wanted to be home. Nowhere but home so that was exactly where i went. The trip back took exceptionally long though. Out of this drama hu-ha, I was proud at myself for one thing. I did not cursed even a single form of vulgarities or rude, nasty comments even in my 'over-the-limit' anger mode. Self-control is truly HARD but achievable. Alhamdulillah. You know what.. I forgave them already even though they don't have the slightest intention of asking for one. I believe everybody will deserve back whatever they intend. Be it good or bad.
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| Inner peace |
[Apr. 25th, 2011|02:43 am] |
Note to self
- Leave all the planning to God. There's no point planning so many things in life when everything has already been planned and written for you.
-You will never be lonely as long as you have God in your mind, heart and soul
-There is a reason for every single thing in this world including the people who stays, left and those you're about to meet.
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Clearly no matter how much you plan, if its not meant to be means its NOT meant to be. Im surrendering it all to God. What happened 3 weeks ago was a life changing experience. 9 long years past and i've regained what i lost. This is probably the best 21st birthday gift ever. Im not going side track anymore. This is it. Its either Im in or im out. I choose in. At the end of the day what made perfect sense was the thought of the cemetery. After all the partying and the temporary enjoyments of life, we all end up at the same place. I dnt see dead bodies partying anymore 6 ft underground. This life is just way too short. We're here alive on earth for a reason. We have an important purpose and im serving mine. There is no point preaching you're a believer when you don't even remember The One who creates you. I had my wake up call and im forever grateful for it. Alhamdulillah God still loves me but i have so much to catch up on. I've been missing ALOT but its never too late. Goodnight!
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| More contemplation? |
[Mar. 23rd, 2011|04:22 am] |
I will try to make this a quick one. Im rushing for time to sleep since im working later. I miss writting and i havent been writting or reading at all since i have not been doing much of my regular contemplation of not only my existence but every other existence around me including the Moon and the Rain. I dont think this is good..
My mum just came back from Umrah and Imane is leaving for good on the 4th of April. My mum has been overseas on many occasions but this time round her 2 weeks trip to Mecca felt eternally long. It has never bothered me much to have her away from home and neither have i missed her this crazily. I've got to admit several unpleasant occurrence influenced the yearning of her presence so much. However unexpected or unpleasant life throws at me, my mum has always been there to catch me fall. What got me so emotional was this particular question i kept repeating to myself, "What in the world would i do when my mother leaves this world?" I cant imagine living this life without her because im still weak. To be honest, im really really weak. Besides, she's the pillar to the family. Pillar of faith, hope, strength. love and religion. She's my backbone.
Imane only has a month of Visa in Singapore to be with us, the family and me. Since she's leaving on the 4th, if you do the math you'd probably know she doesnt have that long left to stay. I feel so blessed to have her here with me when my mum left for Umrah. There was a point i felt so terrible and she was there to keep me sane. She always does whenever im about to make a left turn. We talked, weeped and hugged each other while having a conversation in the kitchen. I will remember that night for the longest time possible. We have grown too close to one another that leaving seems to be such a tragic story (except that its reality). Nobody understand me like she does. I reminded myself countless of times not to get use to her presence here so that it wouldnt be so heartbreaking when she leaves. Im still very very much heartbroken. =( Who would i cry, pour my heart and soul to when she's miles and miles away frm here? When i was hugging her, i cried and selfishly told her, "i wish you dont have to go."
Family is everything to me. It's amazing how a stranger could become more than a family to me. Sincerity can do wonders. My mum and Imane are the 2 person that is keeping me sane from this crazy world we live in. I know i said i will make this a quick one but i guess after not writting for so long, the words just wouldnt want to stop. Goodnight sleepless crazy world!
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| You have to be crazy to join me. |
[Feb. 6th, 2011|02:07 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Pink - Sober | ] |
This world works in a very funny way sometimes. Shorty was contemplating on its own existence today staring out of the window. I got a disturbing email that is still occupying my space. Inappropriate thoughts have been intruding my mind lately on many personal undeveloped issues. Something huge is coming up. I don't know how to explain but this feeling is just so strong. I cant be bothered to figure the future out. Nobody can ever do that. Fortune tellers are all crap to me. I only believe in God. No bullshits. If your senses are strong enough to recognize human connections then maybe you can understand 1/4 of what im saying and no not just here in this blog. When someone unwanted steps into your space, close your eyes and give the fiercest GO AWAY scare and breathe the bad out. I did that in the bus today. It worked amazingly. I can be extremely selfish when in comes to privacy and its only right to be so. Privacy is not only physically but mentally too. You know what i want now and not like now now but now as in the current moment/state of this stage of my minute, hourly, daily life? I want to consume and fill myself up with a strong form of an indescribable feeling i've always had a fixation about. Okay maybe fixation is too strong of a word to use. If i would pick one word to describe me, i'll pick Curious. Yes it would fit me perfectly but being curious can put you in dangerous spots in life but what the heck. I want adventure right? There is always a price to pay. |
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| Good day. Gooood day |
[Jan. 27th, 2011|04:16 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jason Mraz - 10 000 motherfuckers | ] |
I am a person always at a constant change. Sometimes the process of change within me happens so fast that it gets kinda scary. Honestly im capable of shocking myself without realising how unpredictable i am. I know precisely what i want but when it comes to men, im clueless. My mum left me speechless when she suddenly bring out this topic about guys saying what type precisely i want. I couldnt say much because every word she mentioned was true. I didnt even know what i want and she did! It's crazy how well she knows me.
I woke up today feeling like the luckiest girl alive. First i was woken up by my mother asking me to join her playing in the rain with Wati and eat the doughnut she freshly made. I thought i was dreaming. I replied her something that sounded like a mumble. I dnt even remember what i replied and went back to sleep. So when i woke up the house was empty and i still thought it was just a dream until i saw doughnuts piling on the kitchen table plus 2 bowls of spicy oatmeal prawns. She wasnt kidding. My mum and wati end up playing in the heavy rain for hours and came back soaking wet. I seriously think my mum is getting cooler. Way cooler than 10 years ago. Which mum would wake you up in your sleep asking you to play in the rain and eat doughnuts? Come on seriously! I feel so good even up till now and im smiling for no reason and good god im not even in love!
It was raining heavily for a couple of hour today and the vibes i got was just great all around except when Ivan called. He's just my annoying boss if anybody's wondering and he's my example of enjoying every single thing that comes in the way to be happy in life because he's miserable. If you take money as your God, then be prepared for a miserable life. So thanks Ivan for teaching me something so wise even if you dnt even realise it. Anyway, today's fantastic. Imagine feeling like the luckiest person every single day you wake up. Wouldnt that be a great achievement? Im making that a new mission for myself. Here's a useful tip (im trying to apply everyday to myself. Still trying very hard anyway) What you do and how you feel before you sleep is crazily important because it will affect your following day tremendously. When you feel good bfore you sleep, you'll feel good when you wake up and when you feel good at the start of the day, you will feel good throughout the day especially if you dnt let negativity affect you. So feeling good bfore you sleep is a great way of a good day tomorrow. This theory has been proven countless of time. Try it! You may think im crazy but i wish the moon goodnight everyday before sleep and when i lie on my bed i'll exhale out any bad vibes and collect every sense of gratitude to my mind body and soul and breathe it in deep thanking god for giving me such a lovely bed to sleep on. My bed is like heaven on earth plus the air con and a sister i truly love sleeping beside me, i feel super lucky. How can i ask for more? Now im going to bed and repeat the same process i do everyday. Its 4.15 in the morning already why am i still blabbering? Goodnight!
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